Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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