Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
