it wasn't lemon gatorade
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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