I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
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Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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