Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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