the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
