i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
