We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
