dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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