Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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