This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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