So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
