yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
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