just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
