my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
