Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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