carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
