I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am one with the molecules
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
