I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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