Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
