I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
