gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
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i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
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I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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