my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
