I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
