Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
