I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
