i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
