it's too hot outside to masturbate.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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