What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
