Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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