but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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