Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
