so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
