FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
