I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
