Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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