Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
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The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
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YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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