That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
