I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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