we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
