I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We are all done wearing pants today
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
