I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I won't apologize to a one balled man
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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