The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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