i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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