My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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