he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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