I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
