I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
