I didn't shave. On purpose
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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