I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
