My liver just broke up with me...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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