She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
