My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
