I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
