2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
