Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
