If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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