so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
